Tuesday, September 20, 2011


"Drive Dramatic Silence"


Drive, not to be confused with Drive Angry, Drive Thru, Drive me Crazy, or Power Rangers: Operation Overdrive, is a very poorly named movie. A fitting title would be "Man Who Occasionally Drives" or "Dramatic Silence: The Movie." I have a theory that all the actors were really high while they filmed this and to cover up all the parts where they forgot their lines, they just inserted dramatic music. This is an example (not actually from the movie):

"We need to go."

*twenty second pause*

*guy gets shot*

*they finally go*

Also, the main character exhibited symptoms of multiple-personality disorder, depression, and severe anxiety. Did I mention he has no name? He also looks at the ground while he talks to girls.

"Hi target male demographic."

Yet he's an insanely good driver and occasional badass. You aren't going to see this movie, so let me just spoil something right now. The movie is "meh" for about an hour and twenty minutes. Right in the last half hour or so, the movie really picks up the tension. An example being when "The (Sometimes) Driver" stomps on the head of a would-be assassin until it looks like a busted watermelon.

"Imagine this, only with some guy's face."

Followed by basically every death in the film. And I wasn't joking about the new title, "Dramatic Silence or How I Learned to Initiate Awkward Moments." Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe all the actors have asthma. I don't know, but the only people I know who take that long to finish sentences are a few hundred pounds and can't see their feet.

"No arguments there, beef jerky."

This movie could be condensed to about forty minutes of good, nonstop action, and for the most part, you'll "get" the whole "plot." You thought I was going to give this a 3/5, didn't ya? Nope, Chuck Tesla.


p.s. real gripes
  • zero chemistry
  • horribly unfitting soundtrack
  • Footloose intro credit font
  • The sympathetic lead is fucking nuts
  • the girl looked like a blonde brontosaurus
  • two car chase scenes in a movie called drive
  • main character is a stuntman: performs one stunt
  • the best part is the first ten minutes (getaway chase) and goes downhill until the last half hour
  • Seasoned actors playing bit roles and using none of their potential
  • Advertised as an action film; IS a poorly written drama
  • Most sympathetic character was in prison and we don't even know why
  • Ron Perlman's face

1 comment:

  1. This movie sounds pathetic.The photo of fat people are harder to kidnap is really funny.